By Simona – founder of Simo BREATH
(A Slightly Ridiculous but Shockingly Accurate Parenting Guide)
If you’ve ever bought eggs at the grocery store and wondered what the difference is between caged, free-run, and free-range chickens…
well, congratulations — you already understand modern parenting.
Yes, my friends, the time has come to admit it:
we are raising our children the same way we categorize poultry.
Let’s explore these parenting styles, shall we?
1. The Caged Child
A.K.A. “He’s inside… again… playing Minecraft… at 2 PM… on a sunny day.”
These kids are the human version of hens stacked in little compartments, surrounded by:
LED screens
stale indoor air
the faint smell of yesterday’s pizza
and the mysterious ability to survive for hours on a single bowl of cereal
You know you have a Caged Child when:
Their natural habitat is the sofa
They communicate only in grunts
Their pupils dilate at the sight of Wi-Fi
They burn more calories blinking than moving
Their cardio routine consists of:
watching other people play sports on YouTube
running from chores
emotional sprints when the internet drops
Fresh air? No, no.
That’s an exotic concept, found only in documentaries about the outdoors.
If you dare open a window, they hiss slightly — like vampires — because the sunlight threatens their gaming evolution.
2. The Free-Run Child
Not exactly wild… but allowed limited roaming within the perimeter fence.
These children are basically the ones who are “free” — but only inside the yard, under a parent’s watchful eye, like cute little garden chickens who aren’t trusted with full freedom because “cars exist” and “the world is dangerous place.”
You know you’re raising a Free-Run Child when:
They can go outside… but only within sight of mom yelling “NOT BEYOND THE HEDGES!”
Their idea of adventure is climbing a tree, but only the lower branches
They’ve never been more than five meters away from a snack source
You’ve said “Don’t go far!” enough times to qualify as a ringtone
These kids get occasional fresh air — usually when dragged outside by guilt, sunshine, or a parent desperately trying to reduce screen time.
They know what grass feels like.
They’ve inhaled actual oxygen.
They may have even seen a worm once.
This is parenting’s “middle path,” like Buddhism, but with more sunscreen.
3. The Free-Range Child
The majestic, fully roaming outdoor variety. The unicorn of modern parenting.
Ah, the Free-Range Child — wild, adventurous, slightly feral, but in a charming way.
They:
play sports
climb mountains
have friends who live in other postal codes
scrape knees like it’s an Olympic sport
know the taste of fresh air and freedom
wear mismatched socks , and don’t care because they’re BUSY LIVING
Free-Range Children are the ones you see riding bikes, travelling, joining teams, camping, discovering nature, learning independence, and returning home with stories (and bruises) that would give a helicopter parent a mild heart attack.
They breathe the good stuff:
oxygen, not recycled living-room molecules that have been shared by humans and houseplants for 12 days straight.
These kids will grow up with: resilience, confidence, unforgettable memories, and a shocking ability to entertain themselves without electricity
They’re basically the pasture-raised, artisanally crafted, organic children of the parenting world.
Bonus: Breathing Fresh Air vs. Stale Indoor Air
Caged child: Breathes air that has done several laps around the living room, like yesterday’s spaghetti smell mixed with teenager hormones.
Free-run child: Breathes half-fresh air, half parental anxiety (“Don’t run!” “Not too high!” “Come back!”).
Free-range child: Breathes crisp oxygen strong enough to increase their lung capacity and probably their IQ.
And Adults? Oh yes… we’re poultry too.
Let’s face it:
CAGED ADULTS
Commute from chair → car → office → chair → couch
Haven’t seen daylight since last August
Think “fresh air” means standing near an open fridge
FREE-RUN ADULTS
Garden sometimes
Walk the dog (slowly, begrudgingly)
Do yoga once every three weeks
Proudly say “I really need more outdoor time” while scrolling Instagram
FREE-RANGE ADULTS
Hike
Travel
Try new things
Do breathwork
Have hobbies that exist in the physical world
Collect sunshine and adventures like loyalty points
Basically: You can choose the egg carton you want to live in.
Moral of the Story
If kids (and grown-ups) were chickens, the free-range ones would live the longest, healthiest, and happiest lives — filled with movement, sunshine, curiosity, and, of course… fresh air.
So open the door.
Let the wild ones roam.
And maybe — just maybe — we can all become a little more free-range.